


Blue Walls

by MeiJu



Category: EXO (Band), GOT7, K-pop, Monsta X (Band), Red Velvet (K-pop Band), TWICE (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friendship, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Multi, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-08 04:30:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8830492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeiJu/pseuds/MeiJu
Summary: Veljovis, with its pretty blue walls meant to calm the mind. The food, almost alway carrot that insult the pallet. Appa and Umma there to help you through your troubles. Changkyun didn't really want to be there. Paired up as Jooheon's roommate he was surprised to find that his schizophrenic roommate, with his own troubles could always put on the best aegyo. Together people of so many walks of life, from the rich and wealthy, to the poor and the foreign come here to help one another get through the little struggles of pringles and germs, but also the big moments. Changkyun and Jooheon main characters. Large ensemble. Happy endings exist.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for those sensitive to materials concerning mental illness.  
> Depression, Suicide Attempt, Schizophrenia, Abusive Relationships, Eating Disorders, Body dysmorphia, OCD, 
> 
> I am not a mental health expert. I am not a patient of mental health. This little idea bubble came to me when I was at college and saw how my friends deal, overcome and amaze me with their own struggles and triumphs over their mental illness. This is not going to be a sad fic, it will be sad at times, but it will be one with a happy ending.

Blue Walls, Sad Smiles 

Vejovis, no one is quite sure about the name. No one bothers to ask, and if they do, no one cares enough to answer. Vejovis though is the god of healing in ancient roman mythology. It’s a large white building, a skyscraper with three floors, courtyards; it looks like a pretty to the people on the outside. Gated off, pretty bushes, sliding doors and a friendly nurse who greets you. The waiting area smells sterile. Clean. There is another door. It’s really a double door, wide with small windows.

It’s the scariest thing that Changkyun has ever seen. His older brother is talking to the nurse. He’s anxious and nervous. The nurse and he is speaking in hushed voices, but they don’t have to. Changkyun already knows why he’s there. His brother caught him cutting again. He thought that his brother was still at work. He didn’t mean for anyone to find out. After taking him to the hospital. With lots of convincing, the doctor told him about Vejovis. It’s a mental hospital. Changkyun has had a therapist for a while now. It’s time for the next step he supposes.

A nurse comes over to him with a kind smile. A reassuring smile. He’s handsome, the nurse. With kind dark brown eyes that go up when he smiles. It causes Changkyun stress. He looks at his brother who is coming over with another nurse. She’s pretty too. They’re all pretty and Changkyun is just _not._

He looks down at his lap. He hears his brother calling his name but he gets nervous and doesn’t want to look up. His heart tightens and his words get caught in his throat.

“I can come and visit on the weekends. You can all me when you have free time. They’re going to take you in now and start the process of admission, but I’m not leaving yet.” His brother sits down next to him. The scars hurt around his wrists and he wants to hide. The plush brown sofa should swallow him whole.

“I’m Son Hyun Woo.” The male nurse says kindly. “I understand that you’re nervous.” He doesn’t understand. He’s never been without his brother before. It’s his one constant. Changkyun feels his eyes begin to water. He doesn’t want to go away. He didn’t mean to cut himself, he was just lonely. He was just feeling bad.

He feels his brother tug on his sweatshirt. “This is Park Soo Young.” His brother introduces the pretty girl to him. She has a sweet white face and she gives him another smile. It’s smaller than the other one.

“Changkyun, can we go into a more private room?” She says politely. Changkyun feels trapped. Although the nurses are standing an appropriate distant away from him, he feels like he’s being cornered.

His brother gently takes his arm to help him rise from his seat and he feels embarrassed that he couldn’t get himself to do it on his own. He keeps his head down while they walk across the lobby. He feels like it’s been an hour since they first introduce themselves. His legs feel weak like they’re going to give out from under him. The doors make a small beep and they open. He feels himself stop.

“Changkyunnie, it’s okay, I’m not leaving.” Just yet.

He doesn’t want to leave. His brother is firm beside him and he feels the other nurse, who was leading turn back to look at him. He can feel himself start to shake nervously.

“I don’t want to go.” Even to himself he sounds broken. His throat it dry and his palms are sweaty. The words sound strange and scared.

“We talked about this.” His brother said firmly, but softly. They did. While he was in the hospital bed, his hands had been held against the rails of the bed. He woke up scared. He didn’t know what had happened until his doctor and brother came in to tell him. His Father was away on business and his Mother was crying too hard to come in. They told him, he had to be admitted. That he had become a danger to himself. He was able to convince them not to admit him right away. To let him go home for a night first. Even if the doctors thought otherwise. He got to eat his Mom’s cooking and sleep in his own bed.

“They’re going to take care of you. It’s all to help you.”

He doesn’t want help. He doesn’t deserve the help. Changkyun feels guilty, his brother has a good job. He had to take off work for this. Just like he did before.

He feels a small push from the back and it freaks him out a little. It’s his brother arm staring him to move forward. The male nurse Hyun Woo is standing at the back. Maybe worried he’s going to run. He doesn’t feel like he can move his legs let alone book it to the door.

“Come on.” Sooyoung says gently. “The room is right this way.” She doesn’t act phased at all. Her voice is light and sweet, understanding. Changkyun doesn’t know if that comes from years of experience and practice or if it is her natural disposition. He feels himself moving forward. The beep goes off again and he jumps this time.

Once they get to another door, it looks like a one from the doctors when he was little minus the colorful posters and stickers on the ceiling. His brother drops the bag on the table and motions him to sit on the examining table.

Sooyoung excuses herself. The male nurse comes forward. He’s wearing gloves now. Changkyun has never been afraid of doctors or nurses but now he does. He feels himself shrinking into himself, a habit his Father didn’t like.

“Can I first ask you to change clothes? You can leave your underwear on, but I need you to change into this gown. I’ll pull the curtains around you, but your brother and I are going to stay in the room. If you have any dangerous on you, please give it to me now.”

Changkyun was searched at home beforehand. His pockets are completely empty. He nods though and the curtain is drawn. The little gown is at the head of the examining table. He takes off his sweatshirt first. Takes him time folding it carefully at the edge. Then his t-shirt, it’s a large one his Mom bought him randomly. Then he folds it again, carefully. Than his pants. Jeans, dark wash, no rips and folds them carefully. The gown goes on, it’s cold and he feels himself shivering. He ties the knot in the back. His brother peaks his head in.

“He’s done.”

“You’re very neat, that’s good.” Hyun Woo says simply. He takes his clothing and puts it on another desk behind him. He puts on a new set of gloves and the noise bothers him.

“So I’m just going to do a normal checkup. I’ll explain everything before I do it. Is that okay?”

He nods. Height and weight, fine. His heart, fine. He moves to take his blood pressure, fine. Feels his lymphoid. Fine.

“I’m going to take a blood sample now. Can I have your arm?”

“Why?” Changkyun is a little surprised he asked so quickly. Hyun Woo doesn’t seem too surprised though by his sudden comment.

“It’s policy. We want a new blood sample on record, it’s to check your overall health.” He’s patient. He doesn’t grab for his arm or makes any sudden moves.

“Changkyun, is afraid of needles.” His brother informs him. “He’s been that way since he was younger.”

“Should I also another nurse?”

“Maybe.” He’s right here. Changkyun feels annoyance start to rise. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want he be prodded by these strangers. He wants to go home. He’s tired.

He presses a small button on the wall. Still unfazed. Changkyun starts to fold his arms and his brother gives him a tired look. Which makes Changkyun feel guilty, but just not enough to unfold his arm either.

“It’ll be quick, I’m rather good at doing this. It won’t hurt much.” The reassurance is nice, but he knows what it feels. It doesn’t matter if it’s quick. His blood is only going to go so fast.

Sooyoung comes back. Looking unsurprised and kind.

“Changkyun, can I have your arm?” He feels trapped again and looks to his brother. Gently she starts to move towards him closer and he can smell her perfume. It’s really nice and smells good. She takes hold of his arms. “Uncross them please.” He wants too. He can feel her pulling lightly on them. Giving him a chance to do it before she uses any real force. He doesn’t want to make anyone’s life difficult. However, he certainly doesn’t like the way that needle looks. He doesn’t deserve this. It was one slip up. A minor accident.

His brother gently pulls his other arm and together they get them untangled. He doesn’t want to start panicking. He can feel the tears go to his corners again. This time more quickly and he lets some of them fall. He can’t even wipe them. Sooyoung is so much stronger than she looks and his brother lifts weights.

“You’re going to be fine.” His brother says softly in his ear. “It’ll be over soon. You don’t have to look.” He sorta wants to kick Hyun Woo when he comes forward, he moves really slowly, probably for that reason.

“I’m going to put the rubber band on your arm.” He does so gently. Sooyoung holds his arm out and his brother hold his other hand. He’s sure they can sense his fear because both of them speak at the same time.

“Don’t worry, he’s done this quite a bit. He’s a pro.”

“You don’t have to look.”

He tries to smile but he only can give out a little whimper. He’s embarrassed. He’s here, basically naked with a rather pretty girl holding him still because he’s too scared of getting his blood drawn. What kind of man is he? He should be fine. He should be fine enough where he doesn’t have to be here.

“No.” He begins to sob and he hates himself for it.

“I-“ He doesn’t finish it, he just begins to try and move away as Hyun Woo wipes his arm with antiseptic.

The needle come out and Changkyun thinks he’s going to start balling. Hyun Wo starts feeling for a vein and he wants to start screaming at him but he doesn’t want to be loud for some reason. His brother is talking to him now. Reassuring him softly.

“It’s fine, don’t look. You know it’ll be less than a minute.”

Soo Young is trying a well.

“This is going to be over soon.” She tells him but Changkyun doesn’t believe them for a second.

“Okay, we’re going to count once it goes in, okay?” Soo Young says sweetly.

Hyun Woo sticks him and Soo Young quickly starts. He can feel the blood leave him and it makes him sick. He begins to move closer to his brother which Soo Young lets him. He puts his head on his shoulder and he tries to relax. It’s not working and he can feel the wetness of his brother’s sweatshirt on his nose.

It feels like eons of time, but Soo Young keeps counting. She gets to 14 when he takes the rubber band off and it feels a little better. Then he feels the needle slip out.

His brother smiles at him proudly.

“Okay, all done.” Soo Young says cheerfully. She hands his brother a box of tissues.

He’s still shaking a little and he tries to manage a small smile in return but fails miserably. She leaves rather quickly and he wants her to know that he doesn’t hate her.

“Changkyun, you did better than some other patients. Don’t worry too much. You’re stronger than you think.” Hyun Woo praises him as he puts a band aid on it. “Now this may be embarrassing, but do you think you can give a urine sample?”

Changkyun wants to fall over. There is no way he’s peeing here.

“There’s a bathroom connected to this room. We are going to leave the door open, but you can go in there for a little privacy. We don’t close the door because we don’t want you to have the opportunity to hurt yourself.” He continues to explain patiently. “If you don’t think you can give one now, we can give you some water and the cup and you can do it on your own time, later today.”

He nods to that and they hand him a little paper cup filled with water. He looks at it miserably but drinks it anyways. It feels good. He hasn’t even noticed that his throat is as dry as it is. Hyun Woo gives him more which he takes.

“I’m going to look at your marks now.” He says and Changkyun think he might hate him. Those are private to him. He doesn’t want anyone to look at them.

“I’m not here to judge you. But I want to see how they’re healing. I’ll need to touch around the site a little. That’s all.”

He makes it sound easy.

His brother squeezes his hand and smiles at him.

“Would it be easier if I was behind the curtain?” Changkyun nods. He feels really empty.

He holds out his arms weakly when the curtain gets closed behind him. Hyun Woo is probably glad he doesn’t have to call Soo Young again.

It feels intimate somehow, watching Hyun Woo takes off his bandages. Not intimate like, sexy, or comfortable. It’s awkward and painful. He hisses. He wants to shrink away, or erase the angry red marks from his skin.

Hyun Wo doesn’t tsk, or make much of a sound when he unwraps them. He’s glad for that.

He touches them softly, nodding occasionally and it looks like he’s making notes in his own mind.

“Okay, they’re healing nicely. Deep cuts, but the stitches are holding up.” He puts on new clean bandages around them now. Discards the old.

“I’m going to check your items now. Anything that is deemed too dangerous will be given to your brother to take back home. Anything else you’re allowed to keep. We don’t allow electronics here at first, but if things go well then you’ll be allowed your phone and such.”

He feels like a child. But watches everythings as Hyun Woo goes through his brother. He takes the laces of everything off and other than a sweatshirt that had heavy zippers everything passes. Hyun Woo looks pleased.

“You can change back into your clothes now.” Hyun Woo instructs and closes the curtains again. He slips them on, a lot quicker than he was taking them off, but lays the gown folded down on the table as well.

“Okay, now we’re going to get you situated into your room. You have a roommate, who you’ll meet soon. I think he has therapy at the moment. That’ll give you time to figure things out.”

“Roommate?” His heart sinks even more. He was just under the assumption he’d get a single.

“Getting a single room is very uncommon, we want you to try and socialize and it is also not a spa. Privacy is something you’re going to rarely get and it’s not a punishment. It’s so that you can’t hurt yourself.” He explains, but he feels more dreadful afterward. His privacy is so important to him. Giving that up, well it wasn’t part of the explanation his brother gave him.

His brother looks guilty to begin with and doesn’t really say anything.

“I’m also going to go. This is a far I can go.” He says and Changkyun feels his heart drop to his stomach.

“Can’t he help me move in?” He looks nervously around.

“I’m sorry, family members and guests are only allowed at certain times. He can come visit you this weekend and Wednesday afternoons.” Hyun Woo says calmly. “I’m going to go with you though.”

Soo Young knocks and comes in. She has a folder for him and she smiles cautiously.

“Mr. Lim, I can take you back and answer any other questions now.”

She waits patiently at the door shutting it, clearly saying they have to say good bye now. Changkyun feels again, panicked and filled up with dread.

“He can’t leave yet.”

Soo Young looks at him with sympathy. “He has to go, we want to get you moved in before supper.”

He begins to cry against and his brother gently holds him.

“You’re going to be fine, I’m visiting you this Saturday, okay?” He keeps telling him this but Changkyun doesn’t want to let go. He tries to get off the table and hold on to him when he feels his brother trying to slip away, but Hyun Woo blocks him.

Soo Young opens the door and his brother quickly takes his things and walks out. The door clicks shut and he feels really lost.

His chest begins to tighten and he sits down on the floor. Hyun Woo sits down with him, tissues in hand.

“Try and relax.” He says softly. He puts his hand on his shoulder. When he gets no reaction he starts to breathe heavily. “Mimic me now.”

Changkyun tries, he does but he starts to breathe more quickly if anything. He doesn’t want to be here at all. He starts to cry.

“It’s okay, let it out.” Hyun Woo sits on the floor with him as he continues to sob. Hyun Woo feels sad for the young man. Changkyun came in looking tired and scared, but he didn’t really act out. He wasn’t violent or angry at him, just very tired and scared. He didn’t scream or get upset. His tears kept coming and Hyun Woo kept gently wiping his face.

“Changkyun.” It was Soo Young she came back in. How long has it been?

She gently pulls him up with Hyun Woo’s help. Changkyun isn’t super cooperative but they make it work. Hyun Woo takes his bag. She reaches for his hand to tug him along gently. But he lets it go limp. Gently she pulls him out the door with Hyun Woo following.

“Your roommate is Lee Jooheon.” Soo Young says pleasantly. Soo Young is happy that it is Lee Jooheon. He’s one of the more patient and kind people here. He looks scary, but he’s simply not. He suffers from a few disorders that raise and fall unpredictably. He’s here because he admitted himself for hearing voices again. But, he’s nice and will be patient with Changkyun who looks like he needs some type of friend.

Jooheon was out of the room but she looks around a little distastefully at the growing pile of clothing that he had accumulated under his bed, over his bed and around the floor. His clothing is mostly black, white with random bursts of bright neon colors everywhere. He has a few plants on the window and snack wrapper everywhere. She has tried, and failed to get him to clean up on several occasions. Seulgi is the only one he likes to listen too, a thought that makes her slightly jealous.

Hyun Woo also looks a little surprised. He told Jooheon to make sure to clean up.

Changkyun stiffens before entering, he looks afraid to touch any of the mess. Soo Young looks at him with a little twinge of real guilt.

“I’m sorry, I’m sure we told him numerous times about getting a new roommate. Jooheon is very friendly. I’m sure you’ll get along.” She tries to get him to sit down but he stays standing up awkwardly hovering over the piles of clothes. She kicks them away onto his side of the room quickly.

“The bed has been made, but I know you brought your own comforter, do you want to change them out?” She asks politely. She wants to give him some choices, to help him relax but he just stiffy leans from foot to foot. Hyun Woo looks confident behind her, of maybe that’s his emotionless face. She’s still not sure.

“You’re neat right Changkyun? Maybe Jooheon will pick up a few good habits from you.” She says cheerfully. Hyun Woo pushes him gently towards her and puts his bags on the bed. “Do you want to put your clothes away? Our hangers are a little different that the ordinary ones. It’s so that they can’t be removed. If you need more you can put in a work order. It might take a while though.”

Changkyun does appreciate her kindness and overall pleasant nature. She’s not scary like he thought the nurses here would be, but at the same time he’s nervous and worried over what to do. He’s never even been away at sleep away camp and now he’s in this room, that smells vaguely like Pizza and it’s messy and gross.

“Soo Young has to go soon. Do you have any questions for her?” Hyun Woo speaks softly at him, coming to wear he can see him.

He rings his hands on his sweatshirt. He wants to ask a lot of things, like when he can leave. Or if all the nurses are this nice. “Where is the phone?”

“You can use the phone during free time. It’s in the lobby, close to the nurse’s station. Sometimes there’s a wait, but they’re good for quick calls and catch ups.”

“Free time is after supper, but you have little pockets of free time as well.” Hyun Woo adds confidently. “You’ll be on a rather strict schedule, especially as your new here we’re going to want to keep an eye out for you for a bit, until we get to know you better.”

Changkyun isn’t fond of that idea. He’s used to being left to himself, and yes it is lonely and sometimes he’s really upset about it. As a natural introvert, he doesn’t like to be with people and likes his personal space.

“If you need anything, we’re here to help you.” Soo Young says with kindness that it makes Changkyun feel nervous over it. He’s not used to that from anyone but his small family. He likes the way it feels, but he also is worried about if he deserves the kindness at all. He has no friends. He doesn’t really have relationships with anyone at all.

She moves to get up and leaves, the door clicks gently behind her leaving Changkyun to again awkwardly shift with Hyun Woo. He feels a little, scared of him. His arms are huge. Hyun Woo look like her could bench press him, and then snap him in half.

“Come here.” Hyun Woo breaks the silent with a quick command and Changkyun comes over to him nervously and shyly.

“I’m not going to run away.” He says softly.

“You don’t seem like the type.” He says it with a little friendly grin. “Soon Young, her name is Joy around here. You can call her that if you like. She’s here in the morning, mostly works with newer patients. She was filling in with Seulgi, another nurse who’s normally here in the afternoon. She’s very nice isn’t she? You can call me hyung, if that helps.”

“Or Appa.” Jooheon comes in and launches himself at him. “I knew you love me!” Jooheon’s voice was, squeakier than Changkyun originally thought.

“You can call me that.” Hyun Woo says, but Changkyun thinks that’s a little strange. They just meet.

“This is your roommate, Jooheon. I’m both of your main nurses, along with everyone in this section of the floor. You’ll see me just about every day. I work during the day, keep you guy on schedule and check up on you.” Changkyun nods softly, he goes to sit on the bed next to him, but far enough not to be close to Jooheon.

“I’ll leave the two of you to get to know one another.”

The second Hyun Woo was gone Jooheon’s personality changed and Changkyun wanted to shrink away from sight when he looked towards him. He has bright red hair, wearing a baggy black shirt and jeans.

“So this is your first time?” He was confident when he spoke. Changkyun just nodded in response.

“What’s your name?”

“Lim Changkyun.” He moves to bow quickly, mentally beating himself over not doing so at all day. He must come off as so rude.

“You’re here for suicide and depression right?” Changkyun nods again a little embarrassed that it wasn’t some sort of secret. When Changkyun looks at Jooheon he isn’t quite sure how her personality is different. He seems rather fine.

“I have schizophrenia, but not the kind where the voices tell me to kill my roommate or anything like that.” He must have said it too plainly because Changkyuns looks up with wide scared eyes.

“That was a joke. I was kidding. I’m just paranoid and shit.” That wasn’t exactly true either, but he feels the need to backtrack so the kid doesn’t pass out from him. Appa won’t like that. Appa told him that he should be nice to the newbie, because he’ll be scared. Just as everyone is their first night.

“Do you need help unpacking? I know it looks like a mess. I just, I just don’t want to clean t. But like I don’t care if you’re messy so it’s really okay.”

Changkyun just shakes his head and it sort of annoys Jooheon a little. His reactions aren’t really anything to work with and he seems like the kind of guy the government would use to get to him. But he needs to control his urge to ask him that. He doesn’t want to scare him. He doesn’t want to scare him. But he’s scaring him.

“What do you do, on the outside?” That’s a relatively non-threatening question. Jooheon congratulates himself. It’s the little victories that count.

“I’m a student.” Changkyun shifts around a little before dropping his bags. He opens one, it’s large plush, white. It’s a Baymax. It’s really cute. “I’m sorry I just want to sleep.” Changkyun looks nervous again. His hands squish the little plushy hard, probably a nervous tick he has.

“I really appreciate this, though.” He doesn’t sound like it. But Changkyun is trying to make an effort. He doesn’t want his new roommate to hate him.

“Okay, but only a nap. We have supper at 5:30.”

He nods but Changkyun slips his slippers off and the covers over his head. Jooheon is a little disappointed, he’s such a meek guy.

So instead Jooheon leaves the room to go and find his friend. Changkyun allows more tears to fall before he gets himself to sleep. He didn’t sleep the night before. He was so scared he couldn’t. Even when his mother came to stay with him and hold his hand. They told him, it might be really short. Only 10 days. He could survive ten days. He won’t even unpack.


	2. Chocolate Cake

Blue Walls, Chocolate Cake

 

Just a Jooheon calls Hyunwoo “appa”, he also has a “umma”. Kihyun is called umma. When he 1st heard Jooheon used it, he hated it. He thought it was unprofessional to tell Jooheon, his patient that, so he kept quiet. On the inside he seethed a little, thinking he was a butt of their jokes. However, it makes Jooheon more comfortable with him, and he began to open up. It was still odd at first, hearing and then being expected to respond to “umma”. However, he learned to like it. Other patient began to pick up, especially those who were common visitors at Vejovis. Then he found out about “appa”.

At first he launched himself into a panic. Were they not discrete enough? Did their _good morning kisses_ get out of hand? He watched Jooheon extra carefully, especially when Hyunwoo was attending to him and he never noticed anything strange. Not that kept it him from worrying. Their relationship wasn’t supposed to affect the work place. It would be terrible for Kihyun to outright ask Jooheon why he thought they would make a good appa and umma. No one else seemed worried either. Hyunwoo thinks it’s fine. Joy thought it was kind of cute and Seulgi doesn’t see any problem at all. There was no way he was the only one worried, but he was. The other nurses and staff think it’s cute, a little joke that keeps things running almost like a family.

A few weeks went by and it’s still “appa” and umma” wherever they went. Dahyun, a painfully shy but sweet girl with bi-polar disorder started to call them that too. Dahyun and Jooheon became close as they attend the chapel services that are offered on campus at Vejovis. Seulgi thinks it is cute that the patient latch on to those nicknames.

“Umma, it makes you feel more approachable.” She confessed one day during a one on one session. “A umma is someone who loves and wants the best for me. The words give me comfort and other patients agree with me.” Soon he felt like it was a compliment. Almost like an honor that no one else had. Joy had her own nickname. Making even the most miserable and frightened patients call on her for help. It was nice.

Jackson, a poor man with terrible insomnia that lead into depression starting calling them that too. Another friend of Jooheon from outside the campus, he’s from China. He was a very bright student; over time his insomnia became unmanageable. It added to the stress he felt over succeeding academically.   Depression followed through and so did a rather large drug habit as well. At a time, Jooheon and Jackson were roommates. However, the staff thought it would be for the better to separate the two.

When Jooheon goes through an episode he keeps Jackson up. It isn’t his fault per say, he wants to talk and yap and Jackson doesn’t have the will or the ability to sleep or tell him off to let him sleep. Making both of them irritable in the morning. The constant rambles with too many thoughts regardless of the time of day weren’t good for either of them.

Appa and Umma were aware that the change made them both sad. They were fun to be around and they liked to be around one another. They’re close and they wanted to help one another but sometimes the illness doesn’t allow for that. Jooheon got over it eventually and so did Jackson, so they thought that maybe a new roommate was in order.

He still adores both Hyunwoo and Kihyun quite a bit and although his mess continue to worsen despite their pleas and threats they informed Jooheon of a new roommate. It should be noted that Jooheon arrived very clean and organized. As he got more comfortable with the staff and his life environment he digressed his cleanly habits. Changkyun was set to move in after his cutting incident and they had sent his files on over. The files were in all sorts of languages and would take time to translate and understand. However, Kihyun realized from the comment left by the family that Changkyun was a painfully awkward, rather anti-social introverted who was bullied for most of his childhood and teenage years. His Father travels for work, Israel, Japan, U.S, and there he wasn’t anyone he was close with and Changkyun was very lonely.

When they did settle in Korea he had been painfully scared and it hurt his chances at making friends. He was a target of bullying, and although the incident that were in the files were vague Kihyun could make the guess that this wasn’t even half of them. He dropped out of five schools in three years and his Mother seemed to have sent him to a private school out of desperation, but he wasn’t attending regularly either. The only thing that did seem constant was his regular church going activities. Something else they considered with Jooheon.

Kihyun called his current primary psychologist and he was surprised that the voice on the other end was a very elderly, grandfatherly voice. He was kind, willing to answer a lot of the question to piece the files in order and such. When it was time to really settle down however the man let out a heavy sigh, _“You’ll have to forgive me. I’ve only been with him for 3 months, but he is depressed with abandonment issues stemming from early childhood. His support system changes constantly making it hard for him to trust anyone.”_ The old man said that the turning point had been his previous school. Before then he was just depressed, still very badly and was shy and withdrawn. Changkyun had been hurting himself since he was a teenager. Sometimes with purposeful paper cuts and pinching himself but other times burning himself. Cutting seemed like a more recent method. He had been struggling a lot lately. He’s been on rather mild depression meds for a while. Believing that a lot of his depression was of of circumstances that could be improved in his environment. Plus, his Father was not supportive of drugs in the least. Then his brother announced his engagement to a Japanese woman he had meet a few years back. Changkyun and his brother were very close, naturally since they were often each other’s only companions.

Kihyun was naturally a little nervous about meeting this new patient of his. He always is, he doesn’t know how the patient will react to him, especially those who are first time patient. Although Changkyun agreed to being admitted, it didn’t seem like he was entirely thrilled at the prospect either. The hospital wanted him had wanted to admit him to their facility immediately. However, the family refused and instead searched out for Vejovis.

Later that night after Changkyun’s first day when he was getting into the shared bed with Hyunwoo he was curious and it got the better of him.

“How is Changkyun?” He tries to keep it professional and light, like he isn’t waiting to hear every word out of his lover’s mouth. Hyunwoo looks a little surprised, his hair all ruffled up ready for some extra sleep and comfort in the covers. He knows that Kihyun is a little nervous but they rarely bring up patients in their bed.

“He’s scared. Very quiet.” Hyunwoo said as he snuggled closer to Kihyun. “He’s afraid of needles.” He added as an afterthought.

After that they sort of went to sleep. Well Hyunwoo did, he was asleep in no time. But Kihyun took a little more time.

Earlier that day, Changkyun had a nice short nap, very short though as Jooheon woke him up at 5:30 immediately by thumping him in the back. He was a little taken a back and he can hear the commotion outside their door.

“Wake up it’s time for supper.” Jooheon said taking the covers off of him. Changkyun dutifully gets up and wipes his eyes of sleep and tears. He stuffs his little tsum tsum under the covers and makes his bed. With depression he learned that if he could just keep his place clean than he could feel accomplished over something. He sometimes fell out of habit of doing it but he was determined to prove to the staff here that he wouldn’t need to stay longer than planned. Jooheon waits patiently for him before leading out into the hall again. A few nurses are around; he sees Hyunwoo come over.

“Changkyun, did you happen to go to the bathroom?” Changkyun shakes his head a little nervously.

“That’s a good thing, we still need a urine sample. After supper I’ll come find you.”

“Appa, what’s the meal today?” Jooheon asks. Changkyun is grateful for the distraction. There is nothing painful about peeing, but embarrassing for it to be brought up so openly.

Changkyun follows dutifully as the line starts to form. A lot of the patients were in normal casual clothing. A few girls in casual dresses. On a blackboard there’s a pretty paint drawing or the food and the menu for today. He was taken a little off guard. He expected it to be more gray and depressing, but it wasn’t. People weren’t crazy and screaming. Instead they were just, relatively fine. It was like a school cafeteria.

A school cafeteria. With students. Changkyun looks around nervously. He doesn’t want to be picked on for his strange habits. He just wants to go home and eat at the kitchen table with his brother. He falls back as Jooheon and Hyunwoo are having a small chat about the foot and that Jooheon doesn’t want carrots today because they had that yesterday.

He shuffles from foot to foot looks wearily out as the other patients pass him. Memories of past school cafeterias painfully begin to resurface. Not ever knowing who to sit with, being left sit alone, or worst finding somewhere to sit and having everyone move away from him. Kids can be painfully mean and he often took it to heart. He was always that weird foreign kid no one wanted to speak with. He desperately wanted friends, only to be shot down often.

“Hello?” It’s another nurse. It’s not Joy, it’s not Hyunwoo who looks preoccupied with a high pitched cute Jooheon who wants broccoli. He’s a little smaller than himself, but he looks pretty strong for someone so thin. He smiles up at him comfortably, he has a cute upturned grin.

“I’m Kim Jongdae, a nurse.” He introduces himself quickly. He had been briefed on the new patient this morning. He looks like he needs a little reassurance before moving at all. He just stopped in the middle of the hall lingering near the doorway. It’s not uncommon for new patients to linger, but he full on stopped after a while. Jongdae wanted to make sure it wasn’t a panic episode in the making.

Changkyun bows cutely to him.

“Ah, so polite.” Jongdae praises quickly. “The food here isn’t great, but it’s better than nothing. Why don’t I show you?” It’s a suggestion but it’s not really a suggestion. Changkyun looks a little nervous but his obedient nature kicks in and he moves closer to the line. He stands behind someone with a nurse who looks fairly attached to him. He has bright blue hair. Changkyun awkwardly stands behind him.

Jooheon follows him quickly.

“Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to ditch you. Carrots is the only vegetable they have here. They’re mushy and always overcooked.” He chats easily with Changkyun like he didn’t just basically shake him awake earlier. Changkyun watches the boy in front of him struggles to take a tray and the nurse murmurs something to him and he ends up taking it. The guy’s hair, well it’s fashionable? Changkyun isn’t very sure he’s seen hair like that on normal people, maybe idols or something. It is blond with blue tips.

Changkyun takes on too, when he reaches for silverware Jongdae tells him that he can only take a spoon and fork. It’s because they’re afraid he might take it to cut himself, but it seems like a dumb rule at the moment. If he wanted to couldn’t he stab himself with a fork enough to draw blood. But he doesn’t say anything, he just puts the knife back.

“Meal A or B?” The staff said to him, her hair is hidden with a white hair net.

Changkyun looks a little lost.

“Meal A is rice, fish and carrots and Meal B is noodles with beef and snap peas.”

He barely manages to whisper mean B loud enough for her to hear and he feels really nervous about taking the food. It smells okay and if Jooheon hated the carrots he minds as well try something different. But it doesn’t look super appealing. Jooheon grabs his upper arm and has him follow him to a table with the same boy who was in front of him and his nurse.

“This is Shin Hoseok, and that’s his nurse Baekhyun. He eats with us every time.” Jooheon introduces them politely. “This is Changkyun. My new roommate.” Hoseok is very attractive. He gives a sheepish grin, probably one that would make any female swoon. He’s incredibly skinny. Baekhyun looks nice and very friendly for a nurse. All the nurses look nice here.  

Hoseok smiles sweetly at him, he’s pushing his food back and fork on the plate. Changkyun feels his chest tighten out of his nervousness but manages to hopefully smile back politely. He gives a little bow of his head out of habit. He’s happy that he’s with people. He’s not alone and he doesn’t know how to convey this without feeling weird so he just tries to smile at Jooheon. Jooheon bows his head to pray and Changkyun feels a sense of, calmness. He prays too. Thanking God for the food, but also, maybe begging Him to help him and take him home. He makes it short. Even though Hoseok and Baekhyun wait for him to politely finish. Jooheon smiles at him and he feels a little less lonely.

A pretty girl and older guys walks over to them and sits down. Jooheon introduces them again politely and introductions are done again silently. Jackson and Dahyun, apparently they go all go to the chapel here. Changkyun eats his beef and wonders if he should have gotten the other meal instead. However, Hoseok pushes his fish around anyways and looks rather disinterested in the entire meal while his nurse is watching. Changkyun can’t help but wonder why Hoseok is here. He doesn’t want to catch staring, but a few times when Jooheon and Jackson, the louder of the two talk and he answers Changkyun watches him.

Hoseok is wearing a huge baggy shirt and jeans, but you can tell form his arms that he’s very skinny. Looking at Jackson, well this guy is ripped He has muscles everywhere and looks like he could snap Hoseok like a twig. So maybe it’s the very clear difference that makes it seem two extremes. Jackson also speaks with an accent. He’s from Hong Kong apparently. Dahyun has a sweet full face and pretty white skin.

Changkyun reminds himself not to stare. He’s been pretty lonely all by himself. Being around people, feels different. Every time his family would move he’d be forced to take another language. The language barrier already very difficult to surpass and even though he picked up languages easily, the way he talks is different. He’d spend hours alone, sometimes wandering around the block or in bed under all the covers. He’s afraid to do anything really. He can come off as awkward.

As the meal continues Baekhyun makes a little noise of disappointment when Hoseok pushes away his food. Although he did it naturally, not drawing attention to himself, Baekhyun took notice. Jooheon smiles at Hoseok kindly.

“If you don’t finish, you won’t get dessert. Maybe you should try harder?” He says kindly. He then throws up a piece sign and says “please” it in a squeaky high pitched voice that makes Jackson snot and gag a bit on his food.

Changkyun feels the atmosphere change a bit and he wants to get up to leave but he’s unsure on what to do. He must have looked nervous because Dahyun taps the table surface in front of him to catch his attention. He looks up surprised.

“Do you want to get dessert? Since we finished and all.” She’s says it shyly and cutely. Changkyun nods, especially since it looks like Baekhyun is going to start talking.

He quickly gets up taking his empty dishes like Dahyun up to the counter, next to that one is a shelf is filled with slices of cake and pudding cups. He’s rather surprised. He shifts close to look at all his option. He likes dessert.

“Hoseok, he has anorexia. Baekhyun is the nurse that sits with him during most meals to make sure he eats. He’s been good for a while. He was here for 2 weeks and was able to go home, but they ended up asking him to return for full time.”

She explains quickly in a hushed voice. She looks back at him with kind and thoughtful eyes. Although Changkyun does not know why she’s here. Similar to Hoseok, she’s in and out of Vejovis quite often. Sometimes she’s goes through these wonderful lovely moments of clarity and happiness. Of pure euphoria, only to fall deep into despair, or sometimes just outright hostility and aggression. She felt a minor episode where the meds were starting to bother her more than help her she admitted herself until they can figure out a concoction that works.

“Hoseok, he knows he gets sick a lot and there are some things he agrees with about it, but he also thinks some parts aren’t so bad. He is a popular ullzang, he goes under the name Wonho.” She adds politely. She pulls out her phone from her jean pocket. Earning the privilege of keeping one makes Changkyun a little jealous, but she types “Wonho” and shows him all the pictures. He’s very attractive, there is no arguing that. He has flawless skin. Changkyun notes self-consciously that he doesn’t. His skin is ruined from acne scars.

He doesn’t turn to look at her only nods before taking a piece of chocolate cake, Dahyun does the same and she motions grabs him arm. He winces a little, she quickly released her hand. He hears his heartbeat in his ears. He wonders if she can hear it too.

“I’m sorry.” She says genuinely. “I want to sit over there, on the sofas. I should have used my words. I’m sorry.” She repeats the apology again. Changkyun nods a little feverishly, he wants her to forget it. Not to ask about why he was in pain. She doesn’t. She has chocolate cake too and so Changkyun focuses on that instead.

They eat silently. It’s not overbearingly awkward. Still a little though. The cake is surprisingly very good. Concerning the other food wasn’t he was pleased. It was really sweet and wonderful. Dahyun munches really cutely. Jooheon comes by later, he has rice pudding and they go back into their room together early. Changkyun thinks that Jooheon wanted to talk to him more but Changkyun only want to sleeps. Hyunwoo comes in with a small plastic cup. Changkyun nervously takes it into the bathroom.

He notices then, there are two cupboards, one with his name on it and another. Both of them have a small combination pad. He pees in the cup, it takes him awhile because he knows that both Jooheon and Hyunwoo are waiting for him to do so.

“One is for you. Here is the combination. Before you put anything in it, I want you to know that I will be checking it randomly and frequently.” Changkyun nods. His brother had taken his razors at home. Anything remotely sharp was taken away from him. Nervously he picks at his nails when Hyunwoo leaves and Jooheon must have been fed up with the quiet because he finally leaves too.  

Instead Changkyun lies in bed quickly. He doesn’t have his phone. He painfully wants to call his brother, but he doesn’t want to bother him either. Since he probably just got home. His Mother might answer and he is really scared to hear her voice. He knows that if all goes well, it’ll take only 10 days to get better. Then he can go home.

Sleep must have taken him because he’s shaken away by a friendly looking nurse.

“You weren’t responded to my voice. I’m pretty loud too. Are you okay? How are you feeling?” She asks with morning happiness rarely seen in his own household. She has a really full sweet face with bangs and wavy light brown hair. Her eyes were huge and staring down at him. He nervously shuffles, holding on to the comforter that surrounds him.

“Ah! None of that, it’s time to get up!” She tugs, what would have been cute to others, but seemed a little threateningly to Changkyun to holds it stronger. She smiles a little reassuringly. “It is you first day. You’re nervous to start, but you have a full schedule.”

“This is Jihyo.” Jooheon says, he’s out of the shower already and Changkyun wonders what took him so long to rise. “She’s one of the nurses here. Where’s Seulgi?”

Jihyo rolls her eyes with a smile. “Seulgi Seulgi! Am I not good enough for you?” She says sweetly. “You know Seulgi had family matters to attend to.”

Jihyo finally gets the stubborn and scared Changkyun sitting up. In one hand she puts a small plastic cup filled with water and hands him another with his Prozac. Cautiously he rolls him in his fingers, waiting for her to leave, but when she doesn’t move, still sweetly smiling at him he gulps them down, handing her the trash later.

“So because you’re a late riser, you have about half an hour to get ready for breakfast. After breakfast normally is the first group therapy, but we want you to meet with your primary doctor before anything else. I’ll be sure to come by.” She basically chirps kindly.

Changkyun doesn’t feel like a shower when he wanders into the shared bathroom. Jooheon was surprisingly clean here. Everything of his were put away. Including, he notes a little nervously the razors. He doesn’t want it to be the first thing he notices. He just feels, uncertain. He turns on the shower and steps inside. He just wants to stay there forever and let the almost too hot water continue to beat his skin.

He hears a loud knock and he turns to face Jooheon. He blushes, unsure how to respond.

“Come on, you’ll going to miss breakfast.”

Changkyun dutifully steps out and replaces his bandages. Hissing when he tightens them and he touches some of the much older marks as well. At one point he would cut higher on his arm so it would be easier to hide. He pulls on baggy sweats, t-shirt and hoodie and walks out with Jooheon who has his iPad out.

Breakfast was self-serve. He takes from fruit and eggs but overall just tries to hide away. He’s still out of place here, where everyone seems normal and nice but he feels like an intruder. He sits with the same people again. Just because he follows Jooheon like a lost dog but they smile at him. Dahyun is sitting next to a new guy, who introduces himself as Jae Bum. He’s smiling, but the smile never reaches his eyes.

After all of that he lets Jihyo takes him to his doctor. His name is Kihyun. He misses the old man he was seeing after seeing Kihyun. He’s all put together and handsome. Everyone in this stupid hospital is attractive, even the patients. Everyone except him. He shrinks down in the seat in front of him and wonders if Kihyun might be nervous too.

He gives him a reassuring smile. Kihyun is a little nervous too. Every new patient is a cause for a little nervousness. It keeps his A-Game on.

“Did you have a good first night? How is Jooheon working with you?” He asks politely. Making small talk first is not anything new. It’s so they don’t feel threatened and clam up before anything happens. Changkyun just shrugs in response though. His first night was fine, we fell asleep, mostly from exhaustion, not because he was comfortable.

“I’ll tell you a little about me. Is that okay?” Not all patients like any personal information about their doctors, but Kihyun wants him to think of him as someone he can trust, who wants to help him instead of a nameless and faceless person he’s forced to see.

Changkyun nods politely.

“I’m Yoo Kihyun. I’ve been here at Vejovis for about 5 years. I didn’t use to want to be a psychiatrist, but a composer. I love music. I am a bit of a neat freak.” Looking around the room Changkyun can see that everything was indeed cleaned recently. No dust, nothing. It’s a clear 180 from his room at the moment. “I like to cook a lot, that would be another hobby of mine. I speak a little Japanese and Mandarin, although not very well. What about you?”

He asks like a friend. But his white jacket throws it all off a little.

“I’m Im Changkyun.” Changkyun mentally beats himself up for repeating his name, something that he clearly already knows. “I’ve been to Israel and America. I speak English.”

“That’s good, maybe you can teach me.” Kihyun says kindly. “So tell me about America.”

“I was in Boston. It’s on the east coast.” Changkyun supplies helpfully. “It was very cold in the winters. However, nothing ever seemed to close down.”

“You started seeing your first therapist while you were there, you were about 12.” Kihyun tries smoothly to move the conversation to his patient’s mental health but Changkyun looks away quickly. “Do you like the cold?” He asks trying to draw the conversation back to what he did mention.

“I’m not fond of it.” He offers politely. Kihyun is happy that Changkyun answers, even if it only to be polite and not really anything else. Kihyun makes a mental note that Changkyun is obedient and polite to a tee and he wonders if that has to do with his Father or anything in the family. He seems like he pushes his discomfort away to be polite, but still not revealing himself.

The rest of the hours slowly ticks by. Kihyun doesn’t get to ask about why he’s here, how he feels because the second he treads anywhere close to that Changkyun clams up. Finally with 5 minutes left he asks the question that he asks all the time.

“What do you expect from your stay here?”

Changkyun looks at him dead in the eyes. The first time he moves to head to look at him instead of around him.

“I want to be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I use characters from the following
> 
> EXO - Baekhyun (Byun Baekhyun), Chen (Kim Jongdae)   
> Red Velvet - Joy (Park Sooyoung) and Seulgi (Kang Seulgi)  
> TWICE - Jihyo (Park Jisoo) and Dahyun (Kim Dahyun)   
> Got 7 - Jackson (Jackson Wang) and Jaebum (Im Jaebum) 
> 
> I'll probably be adding more, but none of them will be primary characters. That'll be all Monsta X. ^^ ButI wanted to add to the variety and all of that. Like what I've seen on Varity Shows and that sort of thing, such as Jooheon and Seulgi's relationship (or lack of).


	3. Pizza Boxes

Changkyun leaves Kihyun’s office feeling a little relieved. The man isn’t scary or anything like that. He seems friendly and kind enough. It takes a while for Changkyun to feel comfortable giving answers to a lot to his questions but Kihyun never seemed to be angry out it. Jihyo picks him up again for group therapy. He wants to feign weakness to get out of it. Anything group related makes him feel suffocated and nervous. However, Jihyo won’t let him get a word in at all. She’s bubbling, going on about what they’re going today as Vejovis. Including a long list, that she memorized, of afternoon activities. He’d be asked to choose at least one to fill in the time until his one on one with another his psychologist. There is no way he’s going to remember any of these activities.

Kihyun is his psychiatrist, he’ll diagnose him, give him the meds and ultimately get to make the final call in 10 days. While his psychologist, well that’s the one he really needs to open up about. According to his mother, the good thing about Vejovis is that the staff and factuality work together to come up with a plan. Changkyun never really had a team before. Already only one psychologist, who once referred to him to a psychologist to get medicine. Something his Father was terribly against.

“Hyunwoo, he does a dance class. Along with Jongdae, if you’d be interested in that.” Jihyo continues to prattle on. “Or there’s a cooking class.” She continues to list them all. There’s so many nurses and staff members who step up to give them options. It’s nice in a way. To be honest though, Changkyun wanted to go back into his room and unwind. He wonders if that’s an option. Jihyo was listening all the activities, some of them included animals, hobbies, like painting and scrapbooking. Which, not to be rude Changkyun didn’t respond with anything snarky, but did he really look like the kind of guy to scrapbook? He didn’t think so.

They get into one of the rooms, people were in there, they were talking. It already started but they might have been taking a small break or it was part of the therapy.

“Your group therapy is centered around depression and social anxiety. If it’s not a good fit, don’t worry we can move you.” Jihyo explains before knocking on the door. Once given the an okay she opens to door to him.

He is instantly brought into the room that smells strongly of pizza. Even though breakfast was a little over an hour ago. Once the door was open the people inside stopped talking.

“This is Minhyuk. He leads this group therapy.” Jihyo indicates the man in charge. He’s not wearing a white doctor’s coat, instead a fashionable light brown sweater and jeans that show his socks.

Minhyuk grins at him. It almost takes him back. No one seems super depressed. The atmosphere isn’t stuffy or suffocating. Maybe a little serious. Maybe it’s a good day for everyone or something.

Changkyun bows quickly.

“Why don’t you introduce yourself,” Jihyo says calmly. Her hand pressed again his back.

“I’m Changkyun, I am 20 years old.”

Okay then. Minhyuk understands when new members of their group come in, well they’re nervous to be here. They didn’t make this group of with just nothing in mind after all. Group therapy is supposed to help them understand that they’re not alone and give them a supportive set of people who work towards the same or similar goal. Their group indicates people with social anxiety, with depression. It’s a small group of now 6. 3 are overnight guests, that’s what Minhyuk likes to call them and the other three are here 9-5.

“Hello Changkyun, I’m Minhyuk. Why don’t you sit down? There’s a place for you here.” The metal folding chair doesn’t look inviting but Changkyun sits down dutifully. He watches Jihyo who waits to see everything going smoothly.

Jihyo takes her leave, smiling brightly and easily.

Minhyuk explains to Changkyun that he ordered pizza for later, but that he’s welcomed to any of it at all. There’s two girls here and now five boys. The two girls are Tzuyu, a beautiful Taiwanese girl who has depression, but isn’t suicidal, she does have a rather melancholy, gentle personality. She’s shy, closed off and sometimes come off as cold. She didn’t fit in with the other group so they switched her here.

Park Bom is also part of their group, although her depression and social anxiety manifested itself very deeply with her looks and the pressure she feels as a model. She comes in semi-regularly, often she has video chats with Minhyuk, outside of Vejovis she is a popular model. Changkyun would probably recognize her if given a picture of her.

Hyungwon is another model, he came to Vejovis after Park Bom’s suggestion. He has depression and social anxiety similar to Park Bom. He has big lips and a very tired expression.

Then there is Sehun, a sassy kid that uses his anger and overall sarcasm to deal with his depression. Unlike most of them, he seems to be out-going. Then on the flip side of things there is Kim Jongin, or Kai and Taemin, both of them have depression and came here seen as hermits who never left home. Both of them rarely do now, but they attend regularly, rarely missing a meeting.

Quick introductions are made and Changkyun looks overwhelmed, nervous and overall uncomfortable. He spends the entire session, hands folded politely, shrunk in on himself leaning forward with his shoulder hunched and head down. Not making noise. Actually trying very hard not to make noise. But occasionally still turning his head in the general direction of the speaker to be polite, if nothing more.

He seems already nervous of the sass that is Sehun. Sehun, his own self-destructive anger is not only placed on himself but on others. Changkyun looks towards him wearily. Nervous and unsure. While Park Bom is the other talker. Often very sweet with a gentle voice, today was one of her sad days. Her manager caught her eating corn and berated her once again, making her feel very bad about herself. Although towards the end of the session she takes two piece of pizza.

Changkyun listens to the other concerns. He really does. He’s a good listener like that. He can tell that Park Bom is worried about her job, constantly trying to keep up with the harsh reality that is the beauty standard. She looks almost like a doll, with too large eyes that are round but not as expressive. One thing he notes is that her depression doesn’t seem to stop her from her dreams. Something that she has worked hard to improve, but rather her dream job gives her depression.

Changkyun wonders why she just doesn’t quit.

Hyungwon talks about how tired he feels. Constant tiredness where all he does is want to sleep for hours on end. Something that Changkyun can understand. He is constantly tired. Being depressed, it doesn’t make you tired. It makes you not want to move. Not feel the motivation to even lift your head from your pillow, even if your hair and face is oily.

When it’s time for a break Changkyun stands off to the side as everyone takes pizza and soda. This is lunch and after this they’ll go off to their chosen occupational therapy choices. Changkyun was standing off to the side as everyone around him ate and talked to one another. Tzuyu smiles cutely at Hyungwon, they’re talking about clothes. Park Bom is with Kai and Taemin.

That leaves Sehun and Changkyun. Sehun looks a little like a punk. He has dyed blond hair with his dark roots showing a little. He has a little metal earring in both ears. He looks to be a cutter as well, because of the bandages around and up his arm.

“So you’re new to all of this?” Group therapy is something that Changkyun never really tried before. His family wasn’t all that supportive of a lot of options. Even if they wanted the best for him, Changkyun knows that they are also ashamed of his lack of normality.

“I want to say it gets easier.” Sehun says, he’s leaned back on the metal folding chair. He wears black skinny jeans with fashionable rips and a white t-shirt with some band logo on it.

“It does for some.” Sehun has depression, social anxiety, and anger management. His life is often a mess. He’s tired all the time. He feels, not only unwillingness to be happy, but to be nice.

Changkyun looks at him wearily.

“We’ll see where you fit sooner or later.” He says it a little coldly, calculating his response, when he doesn’t get one he leaves. He tells Minhyuk that he’s going out for a smoke. Minhyuk nods in response.

Sehun, he didn’t mean to be so aggressively off-putting to everyone he meets. He just is. He was jittery, needing his legal nicotine fix. Changkyun was just the one there to pick on. Sehun inhales deeply, the burning sensation doesn’t hurt anymore, he greets it instead, as it fills his lungs. Holding it in, he exhales, the cloud of smoke dispersing.

A nurse wearily looks at him from a distance. He doesn’t recognize this one so he glares back and the nurse flushes and turns away. Some of the nurses stand up to him, tell him to try gum or patches. But he’s outside, not bothering anyone but himself, so often he can ignore them and keep smoking.

Vejovis doesn’t want their patients to smoke, but he can’t stop. It’s the only thing that brings him satisfaction, or resembles it. Long drags help him focus on the feeling, the contentment for a moment. He feels relaxed even if each puff is will slowly kill him in the end, he can’t bring himself to care that much. He’s not suicidal like some of the others. However, he isn’t too concerned with prolonging his life either. Sehun likes to believe that by jogging in the morning for an hour, or not eating meat that it would make him more depressed not less. He hates some of the doctors here, always trying to be like, “yoga, hobbies, exercise, cooking, blah and blah”. If depression was as easy as picking up a useless hobby like stamp collecting no one would have it.

He washes his hands in the bathroom, he wants to meet up with a friend. He turns down the hall, he sees him.

Luhan. He smiles nervously. His hands stuff in his pockets and his face half covered with a mask. It looks like he’s been crying. Again. His own therapy isn’t like his own. Kihyun is too soft, he baby’s them sometimes. With pizza and bringing cute dogs in and shit. Kihyun isn’t really a pusher in the same way as others, taking one a gentler approach. Sometimes he thinks he should have moved back to the other group therapy with Wu Fan, but he’s all military, with rules and doesn’t let him leave to take a smoke.

Luhan has a therapy that makes him shake and cry. Nothing like Sehun experienced in Vejovis. Maybe it’s because he refuses to cry in front of anyone. Or that he responds quickly with anger, not tears.

“Hey.” Sehun leans back, makes sure they won’t touch one another.

“Hey,” Luhan says weakly, like the air in his lungs isn’t enough for a simple greeting.

Luhan looks at him, he looks ready to sob. Sehun won’t be disgusted if he does though. Luhan is his friend. As close as a friend as you could get with depression and they’ve been in and out of this place so much that even when they small releases they spend time together. Sehun doesn’t know what he’d do without Luhan.

“I can’t stop.” Luhan whispers. It’s true. He can’t. He picks his skin. Obsession compulsive disorder, it’s a scary thing. He’s afraid of germs. He says he can feel them on his skin. Everywhere. Sehun just nods. Willing himself to be quiet and to be a calming presence for Luhan.

Changkyun ignores the scene playing out in the hallway. A lot of people do. He doesn’t want to wander around anymore. He’s looking for any face he recognizes and ends up simply following Park Bom and Hyungwon.

Park Bom goes into a room filled with dogs and cats. Changkyun is fond of dogs and cats, but not of a large amount of people growing to pet them. Must be a popular choice. Changkyun stays with Hyungwon for a moment.

“Changkyun, do you know the options?” He asks softly. Changkyun does, a little. There’s painting run by Joy. He thought about going to that. Joy was well, joyful and painting with her would probably be an easy hour.

“I go to Hyungwoo’s dance class. It’s good exercise.”

“I’m not a good dancer.” Changkyun also wants to maybe mention the pain in his knee and ankle.

“Neither is Jongdae and he teaches it.” Hyungwon gives a little-tired smile. “Jooheon is in it sometimes. He switches between this one and slam poetry.”

Changkyun continues to follow him to a large room where the tables and chairs are being pushes back.

Kai and Taemin are also here, in the corner looking nervously but not unfriendly at the two of them. Hyungwon smiles and gives a little wave. They wave back. Both of them have their own phones, fiddling with it in their hands. Maybe playing some sort of game.

Jongdae is with them. He’s wearing a large white Adidas shirt and black loose joggers. He’s talking amicably, even if Kai and Taemin are only half listening. He looks like a dancer, but Changkyun is new, little does he know. Kai and Taemin was tall, skinny and they also look elegant when they stretch. Hyungwon waves at them, he’s with Jooheon who’s wearing the ugliest shoes made. Bright orange straps that look heavy and uncomfortable. They head over to Hyunwoo.

“I’m glad you can make it.” Changkyun tries to smile but ends up just nodding gratefully at Hyunwoo words.

Everyone is stretching and Changkyun manages to mimic the movements, although with less grace than Hyunwoo. After a while, he sneaks out. He feels that he’s been “dancing” for at least a half hour but when he looks at the clock on the wall it’s only been a little over five minutes.

He looks down the hall and sees Sehun glare at him. The other guy he’s with, he looks like he’s shaking and crying. Changkyun tightens his lips, uncertain how to respond. When Sehun flips him off, well he guesses that his queue to leave. He doesn’t want to go back into dance. Jongdae is all awkward jabbing movements, but Hyunwoo’s are too graceful to follow.

The lunch room is quiet, there’s someone taking a nap on one of the plush seats. Changkyun sees one the nurses watching him as she has a file out with a cup of coffee but overall no one is rushing at him. He goes to the phones. He hovers, but the more he looks at it the more he desperately wants to phone his brother.

“Excuse me?” It’s Wonho.

Changkyun can see how small he is now. Wonho smiles nervously back at him. The smile doesn’t reach his eyes. Wonho was skipping his therapy. He was in a cooking class and although part of it wasn’t to make him eat it, he sometimes just feels pressured. There’s a few people in that class, it’s popular but he was assigned it.

They were making blueberry pancakes today. Wonho didn’t want blueberry pancakes. His nurse kept bothering him about eating it, not being afraid he was just feeling overwhelmed so he went to the bathroom. Only to have his nurse follow him to make sure he wasn’t puking up breakfast. They haven’t even started to mix the batter when Baekhyun became insistent that he’d be trying the recipe. He wasn’t super opposed to eating this time, it was just he got annoyed and needed to be away from everyone who was happy to be there. So he went to the bathroom. Only to be reminded how little he was trusted.

He didn’t puke. Not this time. But it stung, the constant surveillance around food. Around his body image. He hates looking in the mirror. Feeling fat. He can feel the egg he had earlier go straight into his stomach pudge. Soon his arms, his legs, everything will just be so fat. He gets to exercise, but only with Baekhyun watching and he has to follow a strict plan. So he doesn’t overdo it.

Changkyun hand is still on the phone.

“But why are you here?” Changkyun is taken aback by the question. Wonho was curious. He knows that Jooheon won’t tell him because it’s Changkyun’s business, not his. Also that it was rude to ask in front of everyone. He just couldn’t focus, because sometimes you can tell what is up with them. But that was a bad day for him. He just wouldn’t focus.

“I was caught, cutting myself.” He pauses in the middle, like he doesn’t know what to say. “I wasn’t really trying to kill myself. But I almost did.” He was sitting on the toilet seat at his house. It was a few days after his brother’s announcement about him moving to Japan. At first he was really happy about his brother and that girl marrying because at least one son would be fulfilling the dreams and expectations of his parents. However, he didn’t want him to move to Japan.

Any time he said anything his Dad would cut him off. Tell him it’s not his decision to make and that he’s grown up by now. He knew that. But that didn’t mean he didn’t want to talk. No one was listening to him. His mother was too happy about the engagement party. She always wanted a daughter.

He tries to forget all of that.

“Why are you here?” Isn’t only polite to ask?

“Dahyun told me she told you.” Wonho raises his eyebrow. Not in a mean way but it was a little funny. Maybe, to someone who wasn’t Changkyun.

Dahyun and Wonho, they’ve been friends, it was weird. Dahyun followed him as an ullzang. Then all of the shit started to happen with is diet and food and stuff. He meets her here and she wasn’t weird. Like some fans are weird. She wasn’t. She’s not intrusive or pervy. In fact, Dahyun has a boyfriend. She met him here apparently, but he’s out.

“She did…” he let the sentence die down. Feeling stupid and little exposed. “I just thought it would be polite to ask.”

Wonho shrugs. “It is, you’re the polite sort of depressed aren’t you?” He smiles a little. Depression comes in a lot of forms. A lot of the depressed patients he has meet here were unable to function, either from the lack of motivation and or crippling despair they felt.

“Do you like it here?” Changkyun asks the curiosity and worry seep into his voice. “Does it help?”

“My problems are different than yours, you’ve been here less than a full day. It’s not a quick fix, none of the problems are.” Wonho seems more hopeful and kind than Sehun. Changkyun continues to look at him, hoping for more.

Wonho stiffens up and gives him a kind smile.

“I like it here. The staff, the people and everything is really good here. I want to get better. I’m trying. I just can’t keep good habits for too long.” Wonho opens up a little. He isn’t quite sure why, maybe it’s the sad pathetic look of fear that Changkyun is giving him. He wants to pacify it, just a little for the new kid.

Jihyo was with another nurse, they were talking happily with a cup of coffee in each hand. When they see them Jihyo makes a beeline for Changkyun.

“Is everything okay?” Full of concern. “Did you not find any classes you like?” She is almost like a mother. It’s nice. She’s so approachable and kind.

The other nurse sends a less concerned and not as mothering glance at Wonho. “You’re supposed to be at cooking class.”

“I already know how to make pancakes. I was going to go back soon.” Wonho adds at the end with a handsome grin. That does nothing to sweeten up this nurse. She instead hardens her eyes a little.

“I’ll walk with you.” Wonho waves stiffly to Changkyun and follows the nurse back to the rooms.

Jihyo looks patiently at Changkyun who looks a little nervous. Almost like a kid caught doing something wrong.

“I wanted to call my brother. I was at a dancing class, though.”

Jihyo isn’t quite sure what to do. They can’t force most of their patients to take the classes. But for someone with depression and social anxiety it would be best to try and encourage social interaction. Changkyun is a new patient and it’s easy for them to want to fade away into the background, but a support system should be built quickly. There is always the possibility that Changkyun simply doesn’t like dancing.

“Why don’t you call your brother later?” She asks politely.

Changkyun just nods wearily, like he suspected as much.

“Do you want to go back to dancing? Or would you prefer something else?”

Changkyun isn’t quite sure which one he’d prefer but he ended up going back to the dance class. Where Jongdae is making a fun of himself and the others watch and playfully tease him in return. It would be a fun class to anyone else and Changkyun likes the atmosphere around him, no one is watching him or mocking him.

After all of that Minhyuk found him and they sat down for their private session. Changkyun notices that everyone here is rather young, but the degrees on the wall show that he’s certainly had his education done. Minhyuk looks through some files, and heaping amount. What Changkyun doesn’t know is that his file wouldn’t be so big, it’s just the translations and such.

“Changkyun I had you earlier, would you mind telling me what you thought?” Group therapy sessions can be a little odd for some and according to his files Changkyun has never been a part of one before.

Changkyun fidgets in his seat. It’s not a simple open-ended question, like did he like it or not? It was a question that required a few more words than Changkyun would have liked.

“I guess it was okay.” That was five words. Very vague, not very useful words for Minhyuk.

“Is there anything you’d like to know about me? Or the process even?”

“Kihyun made a note to change my meds. Then to see also see how I respond to them. If I respond favorably, do I get to leave after 9 days?”

“Well at 10 days Kihyun, myself and some of your assigned nurses, that’s Hyunwoo, Jihyo and Jongdae will come together with a plan. Depending on how you’re doing with the change of meds, your therapy session, and the works we’ll decide on the next course of action.”

“Like if I can leave or not?” Changkyun asks very directly, concerned with when he gets to leave.

“I know that this place isn’t your home. Doesn’t have your family, your comfort items and the things you’re used to. But we are here to help you. Everything here has been worked and refined to give you the best opportunity at helping you. There are a lot of actions we can take. Sometimes we need more time, that’s a common one where we ask you stay for another 10 days. Sometimes full time, having you stay here as you are now. Sometimes we ask you to simply do full days, but you get to go home. It’s almost like school. You arrive after breakfast and leave before dinner.

Sometimes you’re transferred, although we do our best here some patient requires more care or a situation changes.

Why do you want to go home so badly?”

Changkyun isn’t quite sure the answer he should say. They know that it simply isn’t home. But they also know that home doesn’t actually make him happy. He did try and end his life in the bathtub.

“I want more time with my brother.”

“That’s the what is stressing you out, isn’t it? Your brother has decided to move to Japan?”

“He has,” Changkyun says coldly. Minhyuk expected more sadness, not anger.

“Are you upset at him?”

Changkyun looks a little off guard.

“No.” He says, all the coldness is gone. “I’m not upset.”

“At him.”

“At him.” He agrees quickly, calmly.

Much of the remaining session is mostly silence. Minhyuk wonders what’s really on Changkyun minds. While Changkyun easily responds to questions due to facts, such as giving the dates to when he started therapy or meds. He doesn’t easily give out his opinion or motives for anything. Minhyuk knows if he wanted most of the answers he received from Changkyun he could have read the file. Anything about his parents is met with vague answers if anything at all.

Other than the little tidbit from earlier, Minhyuk feels like the session was slow. But he didn’t expect Changkyun to open up either. A relationship is built on trust and understanding. However, it will be harder if Changkyun is only focused on going home and not on actually getting better.

Changkyun wanders back to his room, which was empty thankfully to lie down. Jooheon removed from of the old food. Probably at the hassle of one of the nurses, and he’s thankful. He was messy as a kid, his brother is messy, but Jooheon is a different sort of messy.

He lies down, wishing he had his phone to listen to music but not minding the silence either. Changkyun knows that it would help him to talk more to Minhyuk and Kihyun, and that the progress would help him get home, but he just didn’t feel like it today. Maybe tomorrow he’ll be more open. But he knows himself too. He would prefer not to as well.

He lies on his side, his arms carefully out in front of him and he wants to sleep to take him.

He has had his eyes closed for a while when he hears the door burst open. It’s Jooheon with that nurse from earlier. Taking a better look at her, she’s pretty. Not in the same way of Joy or Jihyo who was pretty in a really cute way but she’s a classier pretty. Her hair is brown, with bangs and cut a few inches from her shoulders.

“Jooheon, I told you to clean up before I left!” She sounds irritated.

“It’s harder said than done,” Jooheon says quickly. His voice sounds squeakier than usual.

Jooheon shakes him awake, and Changkyun really hopes this is not a habit.

“This is Seulgi!” He exclaims happily. The nurse looks rather annoyed and underwhelmed but she’s also still here. Jooheon adores Seulgi. It’s not secret to anyone and it’s not always understood.

Seulgi is well, not like the other nurses he already met. She’s more professional. While Joy and Jihyo certainly were professional…. So maybe the better word is traditional? She has a very calm demeanor and he wonders how Jooheon grew to adore her. Jooheon seems to be someone who does like to be smothered in the happy kind of love.

“Hello, Changkyun. I’m Kang Seulgi a nurse here. I’m sorry you didn’t meet me earlier, I had family business to attend to.” Seulgi was the kind of nurse he thought he would have. She doesn’t seem very friendly like the others.

Jooheon sits down and pulls her down and she rolls her eyes at him.

“Seulgi is my favorite nurse. We are same age friends. So it is natural for us to be close.” Jooheon is probably forgetting that Seulgi is a nurse and he’s a patient. Nothing natural about having a friendship like that. Truth simply is they are close because Jooheon latched on to her when he first arrived. He did everything with her. Seulgi knows she is not the friendliest nurse here, and she knows that she tends to be stricter and more by the book. Jooheon doesn’t mind that.

Changkyun rests his head back on the pillow watching Jooheon talk about everything that has happened since she’s been gone. He was currently filling her in on the food choices and using his free time for pizza.

Free time.

Changkyun raises his head and makes a small movement. Jooheon stops yapping and looks at him.

“When did you get free time?”

“I got it two days before you came.” So the pizza box was here for two days, disgusting.

“How did you get it?”

“Well this place isn’t a jail. When you’re stable enough, they sign you out for free time, you often need a chaperone, like a family or friend. But sometimes you can get it for overnight as well. You’ve so new here for it’s unlikely you’ll get it unless there is a specific reason. Like one time Wonho has this modeling thing to go to, so he had special free time for the 3 hours that took. Stuff like that.”

Changkyun nods a little pleased with the answer. Maybe he’ll try and see if his brother was free and maybe they could figure out some free time. Changkyun vows to call him tonight after supper.

 

 

 

 


	4. Under Covers

It’s been a few days since Changkyun showed up. Jooheon is getting use to his quiet, reserved and overly polite roommate. He’s clean, careful and not very friendly. But, and Jooheon isn’t sure if Changkyun knows this for himself. Changkyun craves positive attention. It’s endearing in a really sad way. The way he clings on to every ounce of normal human interaction. Jooheon is sure that Changkyun is mentally congratulating himself each meal he sits with friends. Praise elates him.

Out of all Jooheon’s friend, it’s Hoseok who Changkyun is most comfortable, after himself of course. It’s probably because Hoseok is so thoughtful and easy-going. Changkyun needs someone who’s a little bit happy too. Hoseok is after all an ullzang, his job is making people fall in love with him. Hoseok does a good job as well.  Tens of thousands of instagram viewers.

Now that’s Seulgi back, Jooheon has her to bother. Through his therapy he might be able to get some long term leave. He doesn’t really think much of it. It’s a constant back and forth. After while the voices come back. His actions become harder to really control and it gets difficult to live without some kind of care. He knows that the up and downs of his mental illness won’t forever go away. There is no medicine that can take it away and he won’t grow out of it. Changkyun though has a chance to get better and leave. To be not a long term visitor, if Changkyun is truthful that he doesn’t often think about suicide. In ten days he’s sure to leave, and maybe he a day patient of some sort. Jooheon isn’t quite sure about where Changkyun stands on suicide, if it really was an accident, not really planned or if it was. Changkyun doesn’t like giving details. Jooheon hopes Changkyun is honest with himself and the staff here. Jooheon knows first-hand how patient and helpful they can be.

Changkyun on the third day switched from dancing to cooking to be with Wonho. Dancing wasn’t really cup of tea, especially with his leg problems. Hyunwoo understands the cooking class with Yoon Bora may be more up Changkyun’s ally. Bora is a good cook. Together with Wonho they can make yummy food for the group, because there are always leftovers.

As for Changkyun’s therapy it’s a slow process. Jooheon doesn’t know what he tells Umma, but it doesn’t seem to be much. Changkyun is a man of very few words. When he does speak at meals it’s often in first, awkwardly funny bursts. Jooheon isn’t quite sure why Changkyun feels so out of place when he’s talking, he’s funny. Jooheon hopes that Changkyun knows that they’re laughing with him and not at him.

Wonho always laughs no matter what. Changkyun watches for the reactions and it must make him feel good that others laugh because of him.

Maybe perhaps all he needed was some friends. If only all the problems could be fixed so simply.

Jooheon and Seulgi were friends outside of their patient-nurse relationship. They meet in school, being the same age, living close to one another. Jooheon always adored how cool and confident she was. Never putting on airs for anyone she was truly who she wanted to be. In a country where the girl molded themselves to be friendly and kind all the time he liked her bluntness and easy to read personality. Seulgi, before his illness flared up really liked him back. Sure he was more like an annoying brother who squeals. She doesn’t laugh, but her eyes do twinkle.

Jooheon is sure that Changkyun is scared of her. But he also likes to tease Jooheon about it as well. He thinks, that they might be dating. He’ll make his little comments. Jihyo officially wakes them up, but it’s Seulgi who waits by the door of their room to walk down the hall with him in breakfast. Even if it is in silence. Silence.

If he didn’t have any mental illness, they may have been together. Now there is this barrier. A part of Seulgi knows far too much about Jooheon and Jooheon still knows so little. But the silent company is all he needs. All of his friends are broken like him. Even if he doesn’t mean to find them that way, they find each other. Maybe it’s because the outside world shuns them. There is such a stigma after all. Or maybe people like themselves, need each other.

He went to a “mega-Church”, Roman Catholic. No, he didn’t have an exorcism performed on him. His faith is important to him. He meets Dahyun. Out of everyone, he meets the girl who is also slightly broken. He offered to be a pen pal for international students and ended up with Jackson. He was there as his friend spiraled down the path of self-destruction. Now they’re all here together.

They find each other.

He doesn’t mean to be too cynical. The voices tell him that they deserve it. That their diseases take the precious brain capacity that is mean for love for his sickness. He use to stay up to it. Not he accepts it.

“My skin is sensitive too, that’s why I don’t use foundation.” Hoseok was explaining to Changkyun in the shared bathroom. In his hand was a clear bag filled with products for beauty. Each of the little carefully packaged bottles promised clear skin and happiness. Jooheon was blessed with naturally calm skin, acne occasionally came. However, he never spent more than $10 on face wash before.

Changkyun on the other hand. Nervous he picks on his acne with his hand. It had started to flare up around his chin and he’s self-conscious about it, so foundation gets piled on, only for him to mess with it all day. Maybe someone teased him about it before.

“You should wash you’re a face with water first, warm, but not hot water. Then you should use oiled based cleanser.” Hoseok was carefully showing off like a model a small rounded plastic container with a pink top and little clear plastic spoon. “You only need a little. That’s why it’s so small! But so expensive.”

Water turns on. Pat. Pat. Pat. Changkyun and Hoseok were following the instructions.

Jooheon watches from his spot on the bed. Their door to the bathroom is open and so is their own. It’s free time after supper.

They had carrots again. Jooheon is fucking sick of carrots.

“Next is the face wash. You double wash to make sure it’s all clean before we start the skin treatment.” Another bottle comes out and he pumps some of the white foam in Changkyun’s open hands.

Changkyun rolled his sleeves up. His bandages have been cleaned, carefully and apparently they started to heal. But Changkyun is still careful not to get them wet, instead using sweat bands to keep the water from running down his arms.

Jooheon doesn’t really want to continue hearing this long conversation, but Jackson is in his own therapy. He likes how Hoseok foams it up into a beard and he likes hearing how it makes Changkyun laugh.

Sometimes it sounds hollow, though like he’s a very good actor. Jooheon hopes everyone isn’t being played like a fool.

It was Wednesday afternoon when Changkyun has a visitor, he had been waiting near the desk for his name to be called for a while. Seulgi, who’s one of the nurses in charge seemed to pity him a bit and didn’t tell him to leave. Instead letting him look out every time the door opened.

When Changkyun’s brother arrives, well Jooheon didn’t except what he saw. Changkyun’s brother was taller, stronger looking and was wearing a business suit of sorts. They did look a little similar though and they hug when they greet.

Now, Jooheon knows that’s it's rude to ease drop. But if he can claim it’s the voices in his head then maybe he can catch what they’re talking about. It’s only because he cares and knows how much Changkyun wanted to see him. If it was anyone but Seulgi they would have let it slide, but instead she calls Appa.

Hyunwoo, or Appa was patient but eventually lead him away. Instead he sat with him over near the sofas by the windows and watched from below some families visit from below. Dahyun’s boyfriend was visiting today. They meet in here and Jooheon is sometimes jealous that they found one another. He doesn’t really think that relationship is all good and stuff. Sometimes he thinks the boyfriend might be manipulating her, but Dahyun promises that if she starts to feel bad she’ll leave him.

Hyunwoo was watching Jooheon just relaxing and making sure everyone else was just fine. It seemed like a normal day, well as normal as it could be. He had to convince one of the patient that’s the medicine was poison today, but now they’re taking a nap. While another patient had a small meltdown, but was calmed with soothing words and patience. Then there was another who sprained their ankle after they slipped from the shower. Not really a mental health problem, but a problem that was fixed none the less. Now they’re sitting down, eating ice cream with a bag of iced peas wrapped in a cloth on their ankle. All in the days work.

Both Hyunwoo and Jooheon didn’t except for Changkyun to rush out and slam the door with a loud thud. Patients were quickly a little shocked and surprised, but things went as normal. Leaving Changkyun’s brother sitting along awkwardly.

Seulgi rushes over, looking for an explanation.

“Ah, I think I should leave.” He says kindly but dismissively. “My brother doesn’t want to speak to me. I should be really getting home to my fiancé.” He says it without the awkward worry that always linger in Changkyun’s voice when he speaks. However, he still seemed embarrassed and ashamed.

“I’m sorry for the trouble I’ve caused.” He adds as he rushes out. Seulgi immediately tries to go and talk to him alone, shooing Jooheon away. But the man seems to continually brush off her requests to stay.

“He doesn’t want to see me.” He said finally.

Hyunwoo, with Jooheon at his, heals rush towards Changkyun room. The door is closed shut, when Hyunwoo pushes against it, he’s meet with resistance.

“Changkyunnie!” Jooheon says knocking on the door light as Hyunwoo quickly calls for security and staff to get the door open. “What did you do to the door? I need to get in?” Jooheon knows first-hand at how disappointing family visits can be. His own parents were highly upset at the realization he will never be cured. He remembers feeling upset with himself. The overwhelming guilt about not being good enough. Thankfully they came around.

“I want to be alone.” A shout comes from the room. “Just for a little bit” He adds quickly.

“I can’t let you,” Hyunwoo says patiently. “I need you to open the door.”

“We can give you something to calm down,” Hyunwoo says gently. “We can just sit and talk if you want that too.”

“I don’t want anything.” He says, but it has no force. He’s tired and sad. Jooheon wiggles the door knob and bit the resistance is gone. Changkyun immediately backs up onto his bed. He has his arms folded up into his chest.

“Changkyun.” Hyunwoo says gently. Jooheon knows that Hyunwoo is whispering him instruction and guidance as he tries to look at his arm. Changkyun doesn’t seem all the combative and Jooheon sneaks inside while Joy is making her way over quickly. She has one of the needles in his hand, it’s covered of course, but she’ll probably stay to see how he’s doing.

Jooheon is worried to see if its blood. Changkyun looks small and confused on the bed. His face is completely withdrawn and breathing is even quiet.

“Changkyun.” Hyunwoo says again gently, even softer than before. “I need to look at your arms okay?”

He shows him his arms without much of a fuss. There were, thankfully nothing on them. Everything was fine in terms of physical, but his eyes begin to water. Hyunwoo sighs gently and lets’s go of his arms. Changkyun folds them back into his chest like he’s hugging himself.

“My family they want me to better soon so that we can go to Japan to spend time with our future in-laws.” Changkyun looks miserable. “I don’t want to go to Japan.” He says honestly.

Joy shoos Jooheon away as she and Hyunwoo go to comfort him. Seulgi is still at her post looking a little curious so Jooheon goes over to her.

She gives him a little side eye but doesn’t ask him to leave.

“He’s fine.” He reassures her. She gives a little thankful nod. Jooheon doesn’t really want to go back to Changkyun, even though he probably needs someone to talk to. Sometimes he can’t be that person.

Jooheon thought about going back to watch Dahyun or to find Hoseok maybe. But the guilt ate him alive every second he hovered far from his room so he ended up going back. His feet dragged but he kept himself going towards it.

Changkyun was under the covers with Joy sitting at the foot of the bed. She sees Jooheon comes in a gives a sweet smile.

“He’s just resting. Keep him company a little?” She asks politely. In her pocket is the needle, unused. Joy is happy she didn’t have to sedate him, rather he was already feeling rather tired as it is. She knows that depression can cause a feeling of tiredness or a lack of will to do anything. However, it seems that Changkyun’s sadness comes from directly from the pressure he feels to be happy for his brother, when he’s not and the pressure his family, especially his Father to get better quickly. Changkyun’s dark brown hair is all tuffy and pokes through the covers cutely and Joy is feels a sense of sisterly love and wants to ruffle it. However, she knows better and instead gives up her spot for Jooheon to sit.

“Changkyunnie.” Jooheon says cutely but doesn’t add the high-pitched squeak.

“Jooheon.” Changkyun replies tiredly. His voice lacks emotions.

Jooheon lays down next to him and gently coaxes him to turn over to face him.

“Is the doctor going to switch your prescription?” Jooheon doesn’t want to pry, but he wants to know and his curiosity gets the better of him. The voices in his head and pushing him to ask. They’re telling him to just say it. Just say it.

“They are. I’m getting the news one tonight at supper.” He gives him the information easily. “I didn’t get to tell my brother that.” He adds softly. His eyes look down. “Did you think I was going to hurt myself?”

“I did.” He doesn’t want to lie. He ignores the voices. Lie. Lie. Lie.

“I want to get better.” He whispers. Jooheon knows the feeling. The hope, the hard work, and the yearning. If you do this right, take one more pill, attend all the session. Research the shit out of it. Maybe you’ll just get better.

Sometimes effort doesn’t mean anything. Anything.

“It’s okay to have small moments. Nothing is a perfect straight line.” Jooheon honestly reminds him. He doesn’t want to get into it, but he has had his moments as well. He has thrown dishes in the cafeteria. Jooheon once tried convincing Jackson to box his ears. He doesn’t want to hear the voices. Always telling him to do annoying things. Always annoying things.

They stay like this until Joy comes in and asks them to get supper. She says that they can take it back to their rooms if they’d like. Jooheon wants to pester Dahyun about her boyfriend, and he thinks that Changkyun should go see their friends but right after getting the weird looking stew and rice he’s back in bed.

Hoseok takes notice.

“Can I go with him?” He asks his nurse calmly. He looks worried and confused. Nurse Baekhyun was eating the food, also looked a little worried as well under his calm nurse exterior.

“After you finish your food.” He says quickly, almost automatically. Jooheon worries that Hoseok will take offense to the common reply. Hoseok can get angry sometimes. Sometimes.

“I’ll finish it in Changkyun’s room,” Hoseok says quickly. He starts to stand up and Dahyun looks away. She thinks a scene is about to begin.

“No, you’ll finish it here.”

“You can come with me.” Hoseok snaps back.

“That’s not going to work,” Baekhyun says calmly.

“Is that’s an issue? Then you don’t have to come.”

“Hoseok, you now you can’t leave until you finish everything,” Baekhyun says quickly. He is also standing now. Baekhyun is a little small than Hoseok, but his frame is built. Honestly, Jooheon thinks that Baekhyun has been working out.

“I didn’t realize it matters where I ate,” Hoseok says hotly.

“Sit down. Dahyun is uncomfortable. Finish it quickly and then we can go.” Baekhyun says quickly.

“Don’t bring her into this,” Hoseok says hotly. “Dahyun isn’t the one in bed not eating. Changkyun needs some company.” Hoseok reaches for his tray. Jooheon and Jackson continue to stare.

“Don’t do this,” Baekhyun warns. His nurse voice is turned on.

“Hoseok, just finish it quickly.” Dahyun ends up saying quietly. Hoseok looks at her with disbelief.

“Why are you taking his side?”

“It’s not about sides.” Jackson quickly defends her. “You’re worried about Changkyun, but if you’re punished and don’t get to see him then – “

“Punish me? I’m here on my own accord.”

“Do listen to my advice and follow our rules,” Baekhyun says, still calmly in his nurse voice.

Hoseok huffs out and shovels the stew in his mouth. His cheeks get red and he looks ready to vomit.

“Not too fasted,” Jooheon says. “Go slower. You’re no good to him if you choke.”

Hoseok glares at him before waving the empty plate in Baekhyun nose. He storms off to Changkyun’s and Jooheon’s shared room. Leaving the confused trio as Baekhyun quickly follows. He must be with him at least an hour after eating to make sure that Hoseok doesn’t vomit.

“Your roommate and Hoseok are close,” Dahyun whispers as if she doesn’t want Hoseok to hear her.

“Yeah, it’s been only 6 days and they’re close,” Jacksons adds. “It’s good they’re close.”

Jooheon lets them finish eating and they go off to watch some movie they have playing. He sees Sehun and Luhan there together. He sees a few peers from his therapy classes. Including the new guy/girl Choi Minki. A very sweet, shy and little bit sassy gender neutral, fluid individual. Jooheon doesn’t talk to them much as he was just placed here, without his own personal approval. Although he seems to be handling it well. No meltdown, freak outs or explosions. Minki just simply goes along with the flow. He told the doctor that his parents and therapist think he’s simply has schizophrenia because of his unwillingness to comply with his parent’s gender norms, but once he proves he’s not mentally ill he’ll go home.

Personally, Jooheon thinks that a ridiculous reason to think someone has schizophrenia, just because they don’t conform to society. However, he can see how Minki might have it. Jooheon uses to talk allowed to the voices, as if they’re people. Minki does that too, but he also looks at _them_. The mind is certainly very interesting.

Jooheon remembers when his first lapse happened in front of Jackson.

They were meeting each other for a beer. They were at a bar, out of school and having a damn good time. Damn good time. But he was drinking too much and his medication wasn’t working well because of it. But Jooheon was young and stupid and he wanted to fit in. Just once with the pretty girls and popular guys. Jackson noticed something was wrong so they went home early once Jooheon started to yell at guys who weren’t there. He was afraid he’d pick fights.

Jooheon explained that he heard voices that were trying to pick up the girls. Jackson kept saying there wasn’t anyone thought. At the time Jooheon wasn’t quite sure what was happening. However, now he’s more aware.

He’s aware that sometimes when Seulgi is eating pringles, that the pringles man isn’t talking to him. He’s not taunting him. However, that didn’t stop him from showing the container across the room once. Now Seulgi doesn’t eat them in the container anymore. She brings them in the gallon sized sandwich bags. It’s the little things like that. Like that, that make his life a little easier. He doesn’t need her love. He needs her to bring her favorite snack in a different bag.

It’s those sort of little, not super traumatic things that bother him in his daily life. It’s the little things that will help them the most. The people who sit beside him, Jackson and Dahyun as the movie start. It’s when Sehun and Luhan, who never touch, are always there for one another. It’s Appa letting him hug him. Letting him order pizza on weekends. The people who don’t need to do anything big. They don’t need to find a cure. That’s what keeps his life from being all about the trauma.

Not to say he doesn’t have traumatic stories to tell, but those will be for another day.

Another day.  


End file.
